either i’m pms’ing (though i don’t have my period soooo awk….) or finals is making me go crazy, but i’ve literally been crying this entire night. first it started with listening to landon austin vids and realizing that he is truly my dream guy but he will never like me and no guys like him will like me because i would just scare them away because they’re nice & innocent & i’m scary. then i started to listen to justin bieber’s believe acoustic album which was also a bad idea because his voice is more than angelic and i couldn’t contain the feels. then i decided it’d be a good idea to look at old pics of my family while listening to sad landon austin songs…… total meltdown.
but on a more serious note, the more time i spend here in san francisco, away from my family, the more i realize how important they are to me. i never felt very close to them throughout my life, especially during high school (go figure, i was a typical depressed and rebellious teen). i wanted to leave hawai’i and honestly never look back. i always felt like the black sheep of my family, and i told myself that i didn’t need them in my life, that i would find my own family one day, and make my friends my family. but now, years later, i am finally realizing the importance of family, and what my grandma means when she says that at the end of the day, the only people that will always be there by your side is your family. they’re the only people that would back you up, that would love you know matter what, and be there for you without asking any questions. i miss my family so much right now and it breaks my heart that i’m missing a lot of their lives because of being away for school, including watching my cousins grow up. it’s honestly a struggle for me because i love san francisco and i love traveling, and i have hopes of living in new york soon, but that means i’ll have to leave my family and i don’t know if i want to be even further away from them. i’m just happy that i finally realized what means the most to me, and that’s them <3
thinking about the way i portray myself to others that i first meet…. i wonder what people really think of me….